An Acknowledgement

I'm in the process of moving, and happened upon a stash of old notebooks full of poems, prose, recorded experiences with guides, prayers, spells, and assorted expressions of the emotional pain I lived with for most of my life. Today, I have almost forgotten what that pain felt like on a daily basis. Reading these notebooks reminds me, and it gives me hope for all the people I see now who are in a place similar to the one I was in back then. I hope if you read this, and relate to it in some way, you can take this message to heart: that it does get better, and it often starts when you least expect it to.Below is an entry from 4/30/2011. I had reached a bit of a turning point back then, having attended my first yuwipi the prior fall. The intense depression I'd battled since I was a child had receded, leaving me with a clearer view of myself and my relationship with my Creator."If my life could truly be my own, I would still be depressed, because that is all I have known. I considered depression THE source of my creativity. I identified the enormous pain it caused me as the definition of who I was. My pain and I were inseparable. I would remain in denial of my disordered eating, and it would eventually kill me. But I would die thin and in control. I'd let my fear of being hospitalized, and my perception of self-sufficiency equaling freedom be the focal point of everything I do. As a result, I'd remain happily solitary and reclusive. I'd be resistant to making new friends and trusting others. I would see these things as strengths to be proud of, not the product of fear and self-loathing.I would never believe in myself, or even that I am a valid person. I would be beautiful, alone, and wretched. I'd be satisfied with this life, because I chose it. It would be the indulgence of my vices and weaknesses. However, this future will not happen. The present has changed. I am able to see my flaws for what they are and where they come from. Therefore, my perception of myself has been irrevocably altered. Some of these flaws have been eradicated, some are being worked on, and some will be mended in the future. I have no say in this. My life is no longer my own, because it is no longer lived only for me. If I lived for me, I would choose not to live a real life. But now, everything I do is ultimately for my Creator, to serve the purpose he intended me to have when I was brought into this world. My life will never again be lived only for me, but it will be better that way. Like it or not, life is good, life will be good."